My foster parents hid behind the concept of God like snakes in a man’s shadow. Innocently using him to keep cool, having the man believe they were non venomous.
I wonder if I came out of my foster home with a form of PTSD from years of a cult like mentality, I think I did.
I was chatting with a new friend one morning, years after getting out of foster care, when she said something that sent me running; physically and mentally.
My foster parents never watched anything higher than a PG rating, only listened to gospel, ate only the freshest and healthiest food. They were the epitome of self control and piety. But I knew the truth and rebelled against their game, im surprised I ever had anything to do with God after they got rid of me.
Back to my story. I invited this new friends son to my oldest son’s birthday, and she politely declined stating they don’t watch that kind of stuff because of religious beliefs.
She was a sweet woman as far as I could tell but her words grabbed my spirit and threw it down a dark hole. I relived the fight from my foster home, the struggle of never being worthy of God. I was taken back mentally to never being good enough, always the bad girl. I hated it, so I excused myself and left, never speaking to her again. I felt bad for bolting on a new friendship, but after that trigger every word from her or interaction would be a trigger.
I had some time alone this morning and this interaction crossed my mind. It made me think of a lot of things, but mainly, what is “God”?
I saw God as they did, I lived that mentality; but I saw a different man in my dreams. The God I saw laughed at my stupid jokes when I prayed. The man in my dreams spoke to me gently, but sternly. He was a friend, a father, and confidant.
I was so mad for such a long time. I always asked him, “if you love your children so much why do you hurt them? Why did you allow so many people to hurt me?”
One day it hit me though, how this world works. My bitterness towards being a chess piece was absolved when I realized someone that loved me was moving pieces to my personal game to bring me closer to the truth.
To this day, I live like a skiddish rabbit. Always ready to bolt when someone entering my circle so much as sneezes. But God, he never bolted. Every so often I will get a gentle nudge that he is still there, whether it’s in the form of a “band aid” or another trustworthy, patient person coming into my life.
Just about everything regarding my personality is a contradiction. I’m in a constant state of confusion about most things, but the one thing I do know for sure is what God is not. He does not harbor snakes, and he is not a snake charmer.