These feelings are so raw I would rather have my heart on a butcher’s block. Does the unfairness of life even have its own body part? This anger is dwelling somewhere inside of me but I can’t find it nor can I find its associated body part.
It is a mustard seed of resentment hiding under the bridge of my soul like a troll requiring you to answer his riddle to pass. Your riddles are not fair, troll Because there is no one answer.
I can no longer look at you without the troll peering longingly at my mind. Waiting for his chance to snatch up my compassion to keep for himself; stealing from me my love and stability.
It is in this moment I decide to say fuck the bridge. I will destroy this troll within me but I do not need to cross this bridge in order to do so. I will build my own bridge, right next to the trolls, and I will cross it freely to the other side. Fuck you, troll.
My bridge consists of boundaries, enthusiasm, and compassion.
My save the world attitude has not helped to save one soul. Instead, I have lost one. My own. My heart is with people and for them. In the past my love and devotion were given freely like a man in a strip club; I made it rain in all the wrong places. My love was compared to that of a stripper on a pole. No respect for myself and no boundaries when it came to self-serving pricks. Why did I give my compassion to those I subconsciously knew would reject it or take advantage of it? I have no answer for this. What I do know is that I can not help people, the right people, until I first help myself.
Maybe by saving the world, I thought I would eventually be saved. Good karma. Or, maybe if I saved the world I would not have to look deep within myself and fix all my broken pieces. In the end, it doesn’t matter, the outcome is still the same. I am still alone with myself in my head and my inner voice can be a screaming banshee or a gentle mother.
I have never hated myself but I have never been my friend either. The troll in my life can be seen as a crippling enemy or as an opportunity for self-discovery and growth. By building my own bridge I am choosing to grow. I refuse to just lay down and die.
Looking in the mirror I no longer see a stranger, but instead a friend. I see my best friend and I love her. She is courageous, beautiful and strong. She is fierce in her devotion to those she loves and she is honest with herself and others. I respect the woman I see in the mirror and she is worthy of the same respect in return. She will accept nothing less from others than what she puts out into the world.
Let me be bold. Allow my bravery to reign down onto others like a battle call. it is upon this horse made of courage that I will forge my own path through the thickets and clear a way for others to follow.
Let me be honest and transparent in my aspirations, goals and dreams; for within my honesty lies the rope that binds those that follow. It is my truth, our truth, and no road was meant to be traveled alone.
I want my demons to heal. I want nightmares to shine so brightly it burns the darkness. My sadness to inspire joy and peace, not just within myself but in others. I have too much within me not to share. I would burst.
The assimilation of boundaries does not close off my service to others, it merely redirects it. I am speaking my truth into existence. I will serve as many as I can. I will love, listen, help heal and be a strong foundation for those who can’t stand on their own. No demon can steal that dream from me and there is no darkness black enough that my desire can not outshine.
For I once went without. I prayed to God, “what if it is too late to do the work now that I have spent so long preparing?”. But, it is never too late. I understand this now.
I cried out to God in pain, “why have I only known abuse? Why have I never felt a healthy love? Why did I grow up around mental illness and darkness only to be surrounded by the same damn thing in adulthood?”
I was being pruned, taught and purged. Every person in my life that has hurt me was a lesson I needed to learn and a particular energy I then needed to put out into the world.
If my most cherished relationship as a child was riddled with anxiety I then needed to be calm and still with those around me that were anxious. Including myself.
If my sexuality was taken advantage of in childhood as an adult I needed to learn the true meaning and purpose of sex. To communicate with another soul, to bring consensual pleasure. To give to someone else fully instead of selfishly.
My present troll has taught me all of this. I have come full circle, my lessons of the past are complete. You, dear troll were not my biggest life’s mistake. You were my greatest gift, my final lesson. So I must thank you.
Thank you, dear troll.