Thank you kelly clarkson

*click the YouTube link. It’s the most relevant song I have ever found. 

When I was a kid you tore up my room looking for my words. I don’t think you did it because you were worried about me, though. I think you did it because I was your competition.

How can you compete with a kid? You were grown and could do whatever you wanted and I was a nothing. Powerless. Maybe I’m on to something with my words, stumbling across answers as I  type. Is that why you wanted my journals and diaries? Maybe I was strong and you hated you could not dominate me. I was your first living baby and maybe you fed off being able to dominate and control. Maybe I fed your soul. You could manipulate my love for you to fill your broken cracks.

Mom, im assuming you are reading this. Unless you have changed so much in the past 5 years that I don’t know you anymore. Or maybe you quit tearing stuff up to find my words becsuse I’m not a kid you can control anymore and I lost my appeal.

There is so much I need to say to you without you attacking me. I want to start with your own words, that I forgot. I didn’t forget. That’s my problem, I can’t just forget. I remember you trying to get him off me, I do. I also remember the fights. But my anger comes from somewhere else. You did not rescue me. The first time I knew you would. The second time I hoped. But, I had to grow up and realize you were not going to stop him. I was on my own. You left me hanging.

I walked in one day on you talking to molly mae. You asked her, “why does she love you so much?”

You were jealous of molly mae because you were jealous of my love for nanny. All my love was supposed to be yours. I get that I guess, but not really because I want as many people to love my kids like I do as possible.

I want to tell you why I loved molly mae.

When you were having surgery on your ear to remove the Tumor (is that right, it was a tumor in your ear?) I got off nannys couch scared. Out of the blue I just wanted you and I could not stop crying. That’s when nanny and I began sewing molly mae. So, you see? Molly mae came to me in a time of uncertainty and fear. From that day forward she absorbed my fears. From nightmares to pain, she was there for me. She was a stuffed rabbit and at 32 I still see her as more than a needle and thread. But her birth was because I missed you.

I don’t miss you anymore. I miss the thought of you. I look for a mother in every female friend I have, so, I dont make friends easily. I don’t want to be a burden.

But mom, thank you. Because of you I never stray to far from the sidewalk (thank you kelly clarkson). I have learned to play on the safe side of the street so I don’t get hurt  (you need more music in your life, mom).

You are broken. Don broke you. Papa, nanny, the bullies at school. They all broke you and you passed down your broken pieces like an Olympic torch. But I put that flame out, im not into sports much these days. 

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