What It Means to Love A Narcissist

      At this exact moment I am having a hard time with reality. I am too close to the situation to be able to distinguish between what is real and what is a part of the mind game. Typing it up in a blog gives me the third person perspective I need. Also, I am an avid multitasker; I have to be with…

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I Need to get a Life: A Realized Codependents Struggle

  I was not going to type any of this up because I didn’t want to go downstairs to get my laptop. I wanted to stay hidden in my silent corner of the bathroom with my coffee cradled in my hands for security. The kids are asleep and I need time alone with my thoughts, not just my thoughts, but time alone with myself.  …

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Faces in a Patch Work Quilt

    I never expected you to be one more person I had to survive. Why do people hurt so bad? I should not be comparing everyone to junk food, but I am. I should not want to detox from people as if I had just binged on Toll House cookies; but I am. There are people out there that are healthy, right? There has…

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The Providence Promised

  Tuesday, August 1st –   I keep waiting for the hands to be taken off my mouth so that I can speak but more hands keep piling on top of each other; I am silenced, alone with my thoughts. I keep holding on to the feeling there is movement in this place, that fate or God is playing a hand in this crap shoot…

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Is there A Scientific Benefit to PTSD?

  I have spent my entire adult life trying to understand my childhood. Something, I don’t know what, is driving me to comprehend my parents mental illness. I wonder though, what will I gain by knowing? Will enlightment change anything? Give me more compassion? Will it bring me freedom? So many people throughout the course of my life have told me to let go. To…

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To be Good enough: The Art of Self Worth

      There are days where I feel I’m  just not good enough. These are the days I want to burry my head in my pillows and never leave my bed. I consider turning my phone off and refuse to answer the door. In my mind I am not good enough to face a world that is good enough, better even. Rationally, I’m full…

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Disposable Children

        Eventually, all the faces became a blur as I realized I was disposable; nothing more than a paper cup that once held water. But now that I am empty, I am discarded and traded in for a new cup whenever thirst beckons.     I changed my colors to fit each new family. But over time, I quit. What was the…

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No shame and the Joy of Freedom

  I want to try something a little different with this post. Most of my writing consists of memories I’m sifting through and I think I do this to avoid myself; mainly out of shame. I then have to ask myself what it is I am ashamed of? My mental illness and the stigma? The belief I’m being pitied and seen as a victim? The…

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Breaking the silence

selah – you raise me up   Previous blog posts have only grazed the surface of all that is me. Up until this point I feel I have posted in third person; gently knocking on truths door. I have confronted the demons that poured my foundation, all except one; myself.   This is one moment, a single snap decision, an impulse post that if I…

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frogs

        ONCE UPON A TIME..  … a frog fell in a pot of water that was on a gas stove. The frog swam around happily without a care in the world. Soon, the temperature of the water started to rise but the frog managed to adjust his body temperature accordingly. Although it wasn’t the worst of situations, he figured he would just…

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