There are days where I feel I’m just not good enough. These are the days I want to burry my head in my pillows and never leave my bed. I consider turning my phone off and refuse to answer the door. In my mind I am not good enough to face a world that is good enough, better even. Rationally, I’m full of crap but self doubt is a powerful dragon that exhales derogatory sparks into my mind.
I applied for a position at a local library a few weeks ago. Spent hours on my resume and watched the progress bar saying, “under review” like it was going to move if I refreshed the page one hundred times. I have been a stay at home mom for 6 years and it never dawned on me jumping back into the game would be this hard until I tried filling out my resume and all I had on there were 2 jobs; so I filled in the gaps with motherhood. Yes, I included motherhood in my resume.
I never even got an interview before the position was filled. Two weeks worth of day dreams gone up in smoke. What could have possibly been so special about a job as a librarian’s assistant? The answer is there was nothing glamorous about the job, it was about contributing to my family’s financial stability. Because self worth comes from being able to produce an income, right?
I pour my heart and soul into my blog allowing the number of views to dictate my opinion of my writing. Today, I got 19 views and I want to chunk my laptop out the window and pretend like I never ventured out in an attempt to give my stories life. Because, again, a blog dictates self worth, correct?
I spent hours in the kitchen cooking a meal for my family and the kids moaned about what I was cooking and my husband complained about the vegetables in the dish.
Yesterday, I shampooed the carpets only to have five pairs of dirty feet traipse across the wet floor. What else on earth dictates self worth more than how clean your carpets are?
After failing to get the job I had my heart set on my husband suggested I go back to school and take a few classes to finish my degree. My first thought was, “I’m too old and fat to go back to school”. That is when I did a double take on my perspective of my own self worth.
By allowing external factors to dictate to me how I feel about the kind of person I am I wound up in a pit of quicksand with no way out. There is no way I will ever be good enough if I base my opinion on what the world expects. I would never be smart enough or have enough experience; the house would always be too dirty and my resume always lacking.
I am who I am, and that alone is enough. My children do not even dictate my self worth, but my love for them does. My drive to be the best mother I can and accepting the fact I’m no saint gives credit to the fact I am worthy.
The majority of stay at home moms give up so much in service to others; not because of societal expectations, quite the opposite, in fact. They give up pieces of themselves or put goals on hold out of love and devotion. A lot of the time who they are as individuals gets lost in the day to day chaos of motherhood. In the quiet moments between school drop off and nap time or at midnight when the house is asleep I purposefully seek out a means to practice self care.
Self care. Because I have to be ok with and for myself in order to be ok for my children. You know the saying when on an airplane, one has to put their own oxygen mask on first before they can help someone else with theirs. What example do I set for my kids if I neglect myself? Do I feed guilt in my teenagers or am I showing my daughter what to expect out of motherhood?
During my quiet hours alone I remember that I have to be good to myself; treat myself with the same amount of respect I would treat a stranger. I must remember and focus on the internal definition of self worth. Am I good enough for me? Am I ok with the person I am? The answer is yes, I am happy with the person I am today and that alone is the definition of self worth. Accepting yourself for who you are, flaws and all and not allowing the world to tell you if you’re good enough or not.
At the end of the day none of us takes the world home with us to scrutinize our cleanliness or how we run our house. The world will not pay our bills or make pivotal life decisions for our future. So then why put so much stock in imagined expectations that ultimately dictates if we are good enough? The only opinion that should matter is the most important; your opinion of yourself. By practicing positive self talk I am learning to tame that negative dragon in my head because those sparks have no fuel and I will not allow the negativity to feed my soul.