I am at the point of exhaustion where my mind has turned to mush; So much so that sentence made think of mashed potatoes. But, my mind will not shut down which is usually the case when I’m on the cusp of some major breakthrough.
I had this dream the other night and call me crazy, but I put a lot of stock into dreams for several reasons. One is that I believe we have the capability to do a lot of emotional healing if we just open ourselves up to the interpretation of our dreams. Our bodies are amazing. If it does the most healing while we are asleep then our minds have the capability to heal in our sleep as well. Secondly, I believe God uses dreams to communicate with us. I won’t go any further with that belief, to each their own.
Back on track. This dream the other night had a major impact on me and got the ball rolling which leads me to this blog post. It chronicled the past seven years of my marriage. The first part of the dream was me leaving my family and following my husband to California; which is my past. The second part of the dream I was at a gas station sitting at a table eating when some people came over and asked the women sitting next to me to go out but ignored me completely. This is my present; rejection. The third act of the play in my head was my future. I had a job offer from Barbara Streisand! For a week now that has been my mantra,
“We will be just fine because I got a job offer from Barbara Streisand”
I have been angry for six months. Not your normal angry but a raging wildfire of anger engulfing everything around me. Ironically, I have been frozen in fear unable to move not knowing which direction to go in. fire and ice have been my captors for six months. But as of right now, and all this week, the fire has begun to melt the ice and the puddle of water is putting out the flames.
My logic is flawed. I kept asking two questions these past months. One, “what is so wrong with me?” And two, “what is so wrong with my ex-husband that he can do this to us?”. The illogical thinking does not lie in fault or character flaw, but in the shame of these flaws.
I am broken. My shame was hidden in my broken pieces. But it is in these pieces that we find our strength, our beauty. Where is the magic if you did not have to move heaven and earth to find it? I do not want some half-assed attempt at mental and emotional health. If one is to put any amount of effort into getting better do it right or stay crazy!
Why are people so afraid of their flaws? Why is our society so hell-bent on perfection? We have our plastic flowers that never die to decorate our rooms but don’t have a scent that enables our olfactory system to do its job. Plastic fruit on our kitchen tables that look beautiful but nobody is being fed. Our cookie cutter homes that have no soul, no history. I have never been able to wrap my head around this kind of logic!
Where there is beauty there is also pain and ugliness. Our world is molded around balance. The flowers will wilt and the food will rot. The homes will deteriorate over time and once these things happen we move on to something newer and shinier. Aw, but here is the beauty; we plant those flowers, eat that fruit and paint our homes. This is the beauty in our flaws; the perfection buried within our shattered pieces of imperfection.
I will never completely understand people and the mean things they do. My driving force in forgiveness all these years has been to understand them. I believed that if I could understand why people act the way they do it would help mend my heart. But in truth, it hasn’t. My heart was still in pieces, maybe not so many small pieces, but pieces all the same.
Understanding that I am codependent has given me a drop of glue to start binding some of the pieces back together. It is one tiny step in a million steps to come but don’t they say the first step is always the hardest?
Codependency is an addiction. If I focus on saving the world I can avoid saving myself. This has put a target on my head for people to take advantage of.
I asked God, “why am I always the victim of so many people?” It is shameful I keep finding myself in this position.
The answer I have discovered over the span of my thirty-two years is that I have the power to break the cycle but it is my cycle to break, not the people that hurt me. I won’t save myself from the pain of others by trying to fix them instead of myself!
For the first time in I don’t know how long, fifteen plus years, I am celebrating my birthday this year. With my new found insight I wanted something tangible that I could hold onto when the ground beneath me becomes shaky. “Be Brave” will be that foundation I can grasp; the reality I need to hold onto when the world beneath me begins to rumble. The compass will guide me and remind me to always remain true to my path. To be honest and self-aware in my journey of healing and mental health. Last, there is hope. Because without a mustard seed of hope in our hearts the rest is nothing more than a fog, a smoke screen of pointless illusions.
I am transparent in my journey because I have hope and the desire to share my hope with others. Never be ashamed to see the beauty in your flaws. You can let the fruit rot or you can eat it and allow it to nourish your body.