You think I dont love you, and your right, I dont; because I dont even know what love is.
I am not talking about a nicholas sparks kind of love, our life together is not a movie. That is not what real life looks like.
Im writing you this letter because I want you to understsnd what real love looks like. I think you might have romantisized our relationship, and that is supposed to be a womans job!
I once had a dear friend explain to me what love is, before I ever met you and was so sad and lonely.
He said, “relationships that last a lifetime never start off with two people falling in love. No, they learn to love. Love is not a feeling, but a choice you make every single day”
I thought he was a crazy old man, but now I understand what he was tryin to tell me. This is why our love will beat the odds and last a lifetime, because I choose to love you every single day.
I never “fell” in love with you. Now, before you let that statement hurt your heart hear me out.
In the begging you were my friend (points for you!) And then, I wanted more because I saw you as safe. Safety; that is my definitation of “falling in love”
You knew nothing of my past back then and to this day, you still know very little. I think that is what is causing our marital problems, my inability to speak out and tell you my truth, what I fight daily in my head.
I grew into a woman with abandonment issues because of the circumstsnces surrounding my childhood. That alone is a landmine you stepped on, honey.
Then, I married a man that abused me and my oldest son. When you met me I had sworn off men and had done so since my divorce. You were my first relationship in seven years.
The thing is, you did not scare me. In fact, when I saw you with my oldest two boys my heart melted and I felt safe. Peaking around the corner to see you guys arguing over which was better, star wars or star trek, put a peace in my heart I didn’t think I would ever be able to have again. My Definition number two of “falling in love “; peace.
See, dear husband, I dont love you. Because you are more to me than an emotion I have the ability to feel for anyone. You and you alone are my home, my safety, and my peace; and you are the only person on this planet I call my home in mind and spirit.
So, in conclusion, I want to thank you. Before you I was battered, broken, and feared more abuse. Then, you showed me trust and dedication . I know I am hard to handle with my abandonment issues and the trauma I am still dealing with from my ex husband, and for that I am sorry. But dont think I dont see your patience and dedication. everyday that you stand by my side is one day closer I come to healing.