I sit on the edge of the toilet seat ready to bolt. My legs shake as the anxiety builds and I imagine growing a set of wings that will carry me away from those that haunt my shattered heart.
I have spent a lifetime trying to outrun my place in this world; The patch sewn into my skin that says “prey”. I am devoured by the darkness of others like rotten meat that feeds their evil and I want to be free. I want to rip the skin off that labels me as easy and run as fast as I can. But there is no running; no corner of the world far enough to protect me from dark fingers. They may be nothing but a memory now; but it is their memory that kills me.
I’m done. Done being a victim; done running and hiding. Done bowing my head and allowing monsters to trample my heart, I am unwilling to lay down and allow the stampede of people crush me.
This is for you, all of you.
To the woman who was to help establish my foundation as a child, fuck you. From day one you wanted me broken. I was your competition; the sponge meant to absorb your insecurities so that you could be free. You held the needle and thread, prepared my skin for the patch that would follow me into adulthood.
To the monsters in my life who have sexually preyed on us, I hope one day you see we are fierce. I was thrown to my knees, bloody and broken; but like the Phoenix will rise from my ashes to be reborn into beauty and power over the damage you have caused. I will build up all the innocent victims left in your wake and we will not be shaken.
To the one stolen by suicide; why? You were bound by blood to protect me but instead chose to run away. You will haunt me until the day I die. Is it true? Were you mentally ill? Did you have a plan to take us with you? You died voiceless so all that was left to go by was speculation. You know what people said about you? That you wanted to kill us then yourself. I was your blood; your essence beat through my veins. It can’t be true.
I can’t hide anymore. Silent lips allow a mind to scream and I will not be the toy for others perversion. I want freedom, beauty, health and happiness. I want to scream your treason from the roof tops because your only power was my silence. I won’t be silent anymore. The damage is done, but I have only just begun to rise from the fiery pits of hell. The wind currents I am riding on will spread my ashes across the world and with those ashes my voice will rise echoing whispers of freedom.