They say it’s a sickness that is passed down from generations before us. It runs in our blood; deep within our DNA. The only conclusion is we were born carrying the genes that could turn lives upside down.
I see our lives coming full circle and I no longer believe our genetic make up is the only factor. I believe I passed a family curse down to my children. We are a haunted group of people not only bound by our genetic makeup but our spiritual make up as well.
When the older boys were small I fought hard to over come my child hood. I believed God would break the cycle and the curse would end. But, if this is a spiritual sickness and God is like medication, stopping those meds could be fatal.
I remember being warned; God knew I was fixing to pack up and run. In the middle of a conversation with a college professor at a baptist university I was attending, he paused mid sentence and said to me,
“don’t drop out”.
I remember thinking no way, with a slight feeling of foreboding starting to find its way into my mind.
I ended up dropping out before I failed out. The class I was failing was an Old Testament class, the one class I thought I knew and could easily pass.
Looking back I realize I had been warned several times before Making disastrous decisions at many pivotal points in my life. I never listen though.
After dropping out of college my best friend and mentor offered to marry me as a solution, I suppose. But to me it was like a calculated chess move, a snake patiently waiting in the bushes. But what do I know, my mind and heart are always clouded with pain and fear.
After dropping out of college I ran as far and as fast as I could. I was good at running; resourceful. I ran from an abusive ex husband and his family, from the father figure that betrayed me, the church that persecuted me, and the state that offered these demons safe harbor. As a result, I also ran from God. Despite the hell that was Arkansas, God was always present to see me through to the end. I know that my subconscious fear of abandonment is what made me run from God in the end. The prodigal son scenario.
It is now 10 years later and I am sitting here at 4 a.m. Drinking coffee contemplating my next step.
It’s amazing, the power of coffee at 4 a.m. As I feel a burden has been lifted with Clarity over the situation and a direction to go in.
I’m beginning to understand there is no magical pill for generational curses. We need continuous protection and care in order to keep from being shackled again. Like a blanket thrown over us for safety.
I watch my kids suffer from what’s in their genes and a cycle hell bent on repeating itself in the new generation, my children’s generation, and I have two choices.
The first being what I want to do naturally: run. I have thought about moving, but funds are limited. But, I now know I can’t out run the past when it wants to get its teeth in on our future.
Second, I can fight. I am strong, when I’m not backed into a corner running never crosses my mind. We need to get back under Gods blanket. When I ran from Arkansas to Texas I took my kids out from under that blanket and exposed them to a cruel, harsh world. I need them to see that there is still beauty out there.
Finally, the thought “I am my mother” will stop after I publish this post. I am not my mother, but I am my mothers daughter. I am at peace with knowing parts of her will always be ingrained in me, that is an inevitable part of life. But, the parts that need fixing will be fixed and the best of her that lives in me will be built upon. My mother was crippled emotionally and could only travel with me so far in my teenage years before I had to leave her as she was unable to follow the rest of the way. I went through some dark times as a teenager, darker yet as my mother was unavailable to help me navigate.
I will travel the road my kids are on until they are strong enough to walk their own path. The roads are dark and we are all afraid but I know where we are going, I have traveled this path before. I am able to guide them. I am flexible to change as it is their path we are on, not my own.
We will make it through the dark canopy of tress to an open and bright field full of possibility, healing, and truth. We will be ok. We will survive this.